Yeah, I know High school is suppose to be stressful and a lot of people end up hating it; it’s not suppose to be a paradise. I get it. But I honestly don’t know what happened to me. Maybe it’s because my work load is heavier than usual now that I am a Senior and university expectations are especially high. But I am so unhappy waking up every day knowing the only reason I’m up is because I have to go back there. Every. Fucking. Day.

Something happened in the past two years that has made me such a shut-in and anti-social body. All I want to do is stay in my room, not leaving the comfort and security that is my bed. Every time I think about it, I’m terrified.

Terrified of not doing well in school.

Terrified of letting people down.

Terrified that I will never amount to anything.

Terrified that all I’ll ever become is the monumental disappointment that I promised myself that I wouldn’t be.

The worse part is…I don’t know what to change about myself so I can avoid all of it. Because I’m honestly so stupid, how I’ve managed to fake it and fool everyone thus far is my greatest accomplishment.

My marks are suffering and it’s not because I started using Tumblr or something like that. I’ve just lost the will and determination that is needed for…life.

I feel burnt-out.

For as long as I could remember, education was my biggest priority. Getting into post secondary was my life’s goal. Yet, all I can think about now is how much happier I would be if I could just went to sleep for a hundred years.

I am so miserable.

Despite my mean and uncaring demeanor…I’m trying. I really am trying. But every day gets more difficult than it was yesterday and then I fall behind further. Everyone has their goals and aspirations that they’re looking forward to and accomplishments to back them up, while I sit and cry, not knowing what my next move should be. I don’t want to deal with this anymore. I don’t want to even think about it anymore. 

To be entirely honest, I don’t think I even want to be alive anymore.

I should just choke on my sad reality already. I despise what I’ve become. This pathetic little girl that can’t do anything good but finds the time to hate everything else. Let me choke on my own reality…Maybe then when death greets me I’ll have my bittersweet escape I wishfully crave.